Some Useful Psychological Concepts
The Guilt-Resentment-Persecution Triangle describes the dynamic of many relationships. The idea here is that if you use guilt to convince someone to do what you want them to do they will do it but feel resentment. Sometimes the resentment is conscious and sometimes unconscious. Resentment then morphs into persecution. This can take many forms. One of the most common is passive aggressive behavior. Forgetting, postponing, or just plain not doing are examples of this behavior. I knew someone once who was a master at this. His wife kept on asking him to put in skylights that they had bought and he kept agreeing but never did it. Finally, she erupted, showed him where to put them in and demanded that he do it, shaming him in the process. He finally did it but he “accidentally” put them in the wrong places.
The Victim-Rescuer-Persecutor drama is also a useful way of seeing some relationships. When one sees oneself as a victim it is often assumed others fall into one of two categories, rescuer or persecutor. And if you are not a rescuer you are definitely a persecutor. Although there are real victims out there, someone who continually takes the victim stance often is not willing to take responsibility for his or her behavior and blames others for the consequences of that behavior. Heaven help the person that points out that this person is often responsible for his or her own predicament. A common pattern seen in narcissistic individuals begins with the narcissist feeling like a victim because others are not giving him the constant validation he needs and feels he deserves. This validation actually serves the purpose of fending off unconscious feelings of inferiority and inadequacy. Usually, when validation is not forthcoming the narcissist then feels justified in becoming the persecutor and will attack those who hold him responsible for his attitudes and behaviors. Unfortunately, there is usually someone out there who, for his or her own conscious or unconscious reasons, will step up and rescue the narcissist. This can be called collusion. One need only read the entertainment or political news sections to see this drama replayed over and over.
Unconscious empathy is a skill that some people possess without even knowing it. It involves unconsciously picking up what another person is feeling even though the other person may not be expressing it. The feeling is then perceived as coming from the receiver. Have you noticed that sometimes after speaking with or spending time with a particular person you feel angry or depressed or inadequate? While this feeling may belong to you, sometimes you are unconsciously picking up what the other is not willing to recognize in him- or herself. While this is a great tool, especially if you are a therapist, it is also a curse. People with this skill, often called “sensitives”, need to learn how to discriminate between their own feelings and the feelings of others not being expressed. Psychological boundaries that protect us from unconscious assault are also important to develop.
Much has been written about the concepts “Masculine” and “Feminine” and the differences between them. I do not think these are particularly helpful concepts in the 21st century. They often suffer from overgeneralization or stereotyping and tend to be used in a pejorative manner. I think the concepts of Eros and Logos are more useful. Eros is the domain of feelings, connection, empathy and intuition. Logos is the domain of thought, logic and rational analysis. Both are necessary but in the past the former has been ascribed to women and the latter to men. Traditionally, men who live in the world of Eros are seen as sissies and women who live in the world of Logos are seen as unfeeling and cold. Although everyone usually favors one of these approaches to life over the other, it is a balance that is necessary, both in men and women. Different situations require different solutions.
A third principle that is neither Eros or Logos is the Power principle. The Power principle is neither relational or logical. The fundamental axiom is “might makes right.” I am bigger and more powerful so you will do as I say. History is replete with examples of this principle and it usually doesn’t end well for the powerful, even if it takes generations to overcome the oppressor. It is particularly destructive in relationships between people and especially damaging to children. Also, like guilt, it engenders resentment and eventually retaliation, if possible.
The Inflation Deflation cycle is a useful concept to understand mood swings and such concepts as narcissism, depression and anxiety. A simple analogy my supervisor once used is helpful understanding this cycle. Think of your personality as a balloon. A balloon that is underinflated will not support itself. It just lays there. A balloon that is overinflated is very large but very thin and can be popped easily. The key to a healthy personality is to have a balloon that is just the right size to support itself but not so big that it pops easily when life does not support your self-concept or inflated ideas you have about yourself. Many people oscillate between these two states depending on the feedback the world around them provides.
Good parenting is about helping a child develop a personality that can support itself and be content in the world and at the same time not be so big that it ignores the needs of others and is self-absorbed or narcissistic. Narcissism is the psyche’s way of blowing up a big balloon to cover the unconscious little, flaccid balloon that is the true nature of the narcissist.
How do we encourage and support our children in their quest to be themselves and be effective in the world without creating a narcissistic monster? See the accompanying article on parenting for some ideas.